Transitions in Marriage

Marriage is something that many look forward to. It is a common goal. To find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, settle down, start a family and enjoy life. But, as I have learned this last week and my eyes have been opened, there is more than just those happy an exciting moments. I feel that as youth and young adults we often only imagine and believe that with marriage everything will be butterflies and rainbows....all of the time. This belief is quite unrealistic.

As we go through the adventure of life, we are faced with many challenges, and with each new phase of life, comes new responsibilities. The same is true with marriage. You take two people from very different backgrounds and life experiences and conflicts are going to arise. They have to make decisions together, they have to rely on one another and grow together. They will not always see eye to eye on everything. You add on family traditions and customs, finances, goals and children and things can get hectic. I am not trying to scare you away from making the commitment of marriage, rather I am trying to inform and help you see the future from a more realistic lens.

Couples report high marital satisfaction at the beginning of the union. But, studies show that there is a decrease in satisfaction as the first, and second, and third babies are born. (And so on) Can you guess why? Well, you go from having attention fully on just the two of you, and then a little baby is thrown in the picture. This means all attention on the baby and his needs. Budgets get tighter as there is another mouth to feed. Stress is higher, and couples often feel that they cannot express those things to their spouse because they too have a lot on their plate.  Less sleep adds to more tension. There is less, just "you and me" time which means less bonding. Starting a family changes a lot. However, I know that children are a joy. They are a little piece of heaven. These things are for you to be aware of so that you can prepare. To expect the unexpected.

Let's prepare ourselves for these very important decisions so that we can raise successful families that will positively add to society.

Preparing for Marriage

Have you ever just wanted or imagined that maybe "the one" just might get dropped off on your doorstep one, and BAM! you have a spouse. Marriage is a serious and exciting step in one's life.  However I believe that we have a few misconceptions on how the relationship between a man and woman requires development and progress as a couple beforehand. We have to meet people, put ourselves out there, and be wise in the decisions that we make as we find our spouse. You might hear this called "dating", or an even older term "courting". That is the process and journey that we go through as we get to know others on a more personal level, with the ultimate goal of marrying.

In my class we discussed how in our modern day there is more just hanging out in groups, rather than dating. This is taking away the important step of getting to know another person. Often times we desire to get off easy with a date such as a movie. I am not saying that moving watching is prohibited, however, is it the best way to get to know someone. There are three requirements to a date. Planned, paired off and paid for. Planned suggested that there is a schedule of sorts for the time set aside and spent together. Women prefer to know, or be informed, beforehand, of what to expect during the date. This will allow her to dress appropriately for the date. Paired off means that there is a boy that is expected to spend the evening with a girl. The two are responsible for the other during the extent of the date. They are to take care of the other and make sure that they are enjoying their time, with the attention focused specifically on the other. Paid for suggests that costs and resources for the date are taken care of and provided for.

As we make these three requirements part of dates, we will be able to learn more about the other individual and the relationship will grow. Several dates are preferable in getting to know someone. A strong relationship requires more than what the world has taught u is sufficient; appearance. In a marriage there is a need for deep bonds, trust, sacrifice, care, intimacy, communication, friendship, love and so much more. These things do not come overnight, but with time. Just as one looks for someone, we ourselves need to be progressing as individuals and acquiring characteristics that will positively contribute to a marriage.

I recently spoke to my father and he shared some thoughts of his already seven married children. HE said, "Each of them are happy and successful. They were individuals that prepared themselves for marriage and were then able to find a wonderful spouse. They are happy." I believe that is the desire of every parent, that they can see that their children find someone that they are genuinely happy with. Speaking of what I have been told, and experiences of others, marriage is a wonderful thing. After all it was designed by God.  Let us each prepare ourselves for this important decision, and be courageous in the dating process.

Same Sex Attraction

As a young girl, I often heard stories of the child-hood of my parents and their fun, youthful adventures. The things that they would do are a little bit different than what we do today. But, I loved listening to stories, and even the stories my grandparents would share with their perspective of what happened with the same stories.....it's funny how things can be twisted depending on who is speaking. With story telling, came comparing the two time periods. I can remember thinking to myself at times, "Just forget already, times change, things are different now." That lovely teenager of me. But at other times I remember pondering on the differences and the drastic changes that have taken place, and wondering, "how did that happen so fast?" One of those topics was of same sex attraction and marriage as it became acceptable in our society. When my parents were teenagers, this topic was almost unspeakable. It was shameful to be attracted to your same gender, and quite frankly, looked down upon. That is quite the contrast from what we face today.

I strongly believe that God, our loving Heavenly Father designed marriage to be between a man and a woman. In the world today, we see many circumstances of same sex attraction. In my class this week we discussed this topic with videos and articles. One topic that intrigued me was of receiving help to take steps in a healing process, to change and better understand why one feels attracted to his or her own gender. In the video that we saw, men expressed that they were able to receive that help, and are now attracted to women. When they were first feeling those same gender attractions, they didn't understand. They said that they we not born "gay". I find it incredible that there are resources for help and aid, if one so desires. We can indeed change our desires. Studies show that helping to improve and strengthen relationships in one's life, is a huge step in process. I know that God has ordained the family to built and founded with a mother and a father present. As we loose this, and stray from it, we are loosing the family.

Other studies have shown that possible contributing factors to same sex attraction are wounded gender identity, bullying, father hunger, mother confusion, inappropriate touch and pornography.
Each of us is a beloved son or daughter of Heavenly Father. We have infinite worth in his eyes. And he loves each of us. Men and women with same gender attraction are no less than heterosexuals. We must remember that they are children of God. Be sensitive to them and do not belittle.

I know that God has a plan for us. I know that he loves us, and understands our needs, after all we are His children.

This last week in class, we learned about and discussed the topic of culture. Culture varies in every part of the world, and even within the same given country. Normally when I think of culture things such as Asia or Polynesia come to my mind. Places where there are maybe more obvious sides to that specific culture. However, each country, race, gender, and family has his or her own culture. Your family has a culture! Think about it. It may be in the traditions that you share, or in the way you treat others and the values that you have. These things are passed down generation to generation, and as we continue learning and growing, the culture evolves. It is incredible!

Often times we associate a certain culture with socioeconomic status as well. On the amount of money that one has, the image and behaviors that they carry, the way that they speak, education and even the location in which they live. I feel that more often than not, we form these labels mentally and we struggle to get over the fact that we are all children of God. We differentiate ourselves. Culture will always be a part of life. We cannot get rid of it. However, we can change it for the better. We can all evaluate ourselves, maybe even our families, and begin there. Are we passing on good values and culture onto to our posterity so that they have blessed lives? We choose what we pass on.

I hope that we can reflect on the differences in culture that we see around us, but that we can also find joy in those differences. We all have divine potential. We choose who we become, and what we will pass on for future generations.

This last week as been quite interesting. I have learned more about what is called systems theory. A system includes various part, for example in a family you have a mother, father, children, grandparents, aunts, uncles and so forth. Each individual plays and important and significant role. To analyze the family system, it must be observed as a whole, rather than just by its individual parts. Each member effects the others.Within a certain system there may exist what is called subsystems. This may be a mother and a daughter who work together o maintain the system of the family which includes a father who is not supportive. Each one of us are par of a system, whether it be the family, or a class in school, at work, or in church. We all are part of a system and we effect one another.

The exchange theory is often thought of as "you owe me one." We want to give less than we receive in a relationship. Or we always expect something of equal or greater value in return. For example, if I offer a ride to a roommate to the grocery store one week, I might expect that she takes me the following week, in order to pay me back for what I gave her in the first place.

The symbolic interaction theory states that for every action, or experience there is a symbolic meaning behind it that normally stems from both parties past experiences. For example, if I enter my roommate's bedroom and sit by her side, for me that might mean that I want to talk and share something with her. However she might be annoyed and not receive it in the way that I hope she does. I feel that our lives and relationships are full of symbolic interactions. As I have gone through my week, I have observed more of this theory. It's kind of fun!

The conflict theory states that in any system or relationship, each party has differences, or rather their likes and dislikes are different, their preferences and opinions are all unique. This results in the both parties influencing each other, and conflict may arise.

This week has helped me to see the different ways in week we act and influence each other. It has helped me to understand different aspects of relationships, whether they be within the family, with a friend, co-worker or neighbor. Learning is fun! Especially as I am able to see it and apply it in my life.