Divorce and Remarriage

I personally grew up in a traditional family system. My biological mom and dad, had and raised 11 children. I knew several classmates and friends, growing up who came from blended families. After this week in class and the readings from our textbook, I have gained new insights and a slight understanding for the challenges and complexities that divorced and blended families experience. In a divorced situation (and death of a spouse) there is part of the family that may get lost. That parent's parents may still want to be grandparents to the children and be apart of their lives. However the parent may want to move on. Things like dating bring in challenges as well. The parent may cling to the child and not want to date. However if the parent does date and eventually remarry, you are starting a whole new family system and quite complex at that! Think about it, you have the late spouse's parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, the living parent's family, and then the step-parent's family as well. Relationship bonds are strains and conflicts may arrive. It is a very sensitive situation. Lets think about all the past history that one brings into the picture, from both parties. The children's grief and emotions. A power struggle between the couple. And then there is disciplining techniques, and who has the right to discipline who's children.

I really have come to empathize with divorced and blended families. I can not imagine just how real these challenges are. I have great respect for men and women that are capable of coming into to families and being able to fill maybe a hole that was missing. It is not their responsibility, but they fill that role out of love. I know that all families can find and create happiness together. After all that is what Heavenly Father wants for all of us.

Parenting

The objective of parenting to protect and prepare a child to survive and thrive. In my class we were asked why it is that young people are doing the parenting, rather than the typical experienced white haired grandmother. She knows what to do and how to handle children. She has experience and is less likely to mess up, right? How could a couple at 24 and 25 years old possibly know how to raise and parent children? Here are some things that we discussed. First, as young biological parents they have a natural intuition for the needs of their children, as well as a deep love of them being their own. We all know that children have quite a lot of energy, and they need parents that can play alongside them hour after hour, day after day. There are certain physical abilities that young parents have that benefit the relationship between the parent and the child. Next, the world is ever changing. If we leave parenting to the elderly, how will they understand the difficulties and struggles that young ones are faced with. Biological parents will be able to relate better with the children, and have similar experiences. Ultimately, parenting is a learning and growing process. It helps adults develop themselves more and shape their lives as they learn to care and love their children.

There are needs that each child needs.  Contact and belonging, power, protection, withdrawal, and challenge. They need to feel each of these things in their lives, and relationship with with their parents. They will more than likely act in a completely different way, but we need to be conscious that these basic needs, must be met. It seems to me that the initial response for misbehavior is anger consisting in yelling and punishing. However, if we can seek for understanding in a calm and collected manner, the parent and child will be able to learn and grow together.

I am not yet a parent, but I imagine that it is not the easiest task nor responsibility in this life. But it is worth it! Think of the blessing that your parents are to you. The great influences that they have had on you. I know that we are placed in the families and homes that we are a part of, for a reason. I know that we can learn from our parents' examples, and continue what is good, and make changes to things that can be improves upon in parenting skills. Family is such a blessing!!

Fatherhood

When was the last time you thanked your dad for all that he does for you?

Often times we forget just how much our father does for us and our families as well as all that he teaches us. The role of a father is irreplaceable. Fathers teach us by their example in all aspects of life. We see the way that they interact with others and we too treat others the same. We learn to love and respect others by their example. Fathers have a responsibility to provide and protect their families. They can become more involved in their child's life and strengthen the relationship as fathers make the effort to spend time with their children. This shows the kids that their dad wants to be involved and loves them. In this way the father can learn more of his child like fears and dreams and sensitivities.

I am so grateful for my father and all that he has done for me and taught me. I hope that I will take after his good example as I have my family in the future. I know that his role in our home was significant and I am so grateful for all the sacrifices that he made so that we were comfortable and happy as a family.

Communication and Mutual Problem Solving

Who would have thought that communication could be so complex?! The words that leave our mouth is all that matters, right? Well that is not entirely true. There are three parts to communication: Verbal (or our words), non-verbal (gestures and body language) and our tone. Actually, studies show that non-verbal communication is 51%, tone is 35% and verbal is 14% of overall communication. Its crazy to think that more than just my words are interpreted by others. And if you think that is complicated, add on the fact that each of us interprets very differently. In my class we discussed how we each have our own code, in a sense. This can make (does make) life and relationships quite complicated.

We all desire to be understood. In our families we need to be able to have good communication skills in order to help and love one another. If we can take the time to truly understand others, and make as clear as possible our own concerns and desires, we can help the communication in our families. Many conflicts  arise because of miscommunication. I can even see this with my roommates now. The way something is said with a certain tone, or glare, can entirely change the meaning of a sentence, Its crazy isn't it!?!

This communication is daily, but there are also times when more in depth conversations need to take place. When big decisions are made in a family, things need to be discussed. But how do we go about it? Are we focused on compromising so that all parties are satisfied to the fullest, or do we look for a solution that is for the greater good, or rather, what God wants.  If each member of the family (husband, wife, son, daughter) can be open and express love for each other, coming to a consensus rather than a compromise will better family life. If we can learn to make decisions with the will of God in mind, we will, over time, loose selfish desires and be more willing to do His will.

The Family Under Stress

Life is full of surprises. Good, and often challenging and/or stressful. Sometimes we call these times a crisis. In my class, we have a fellow student whose first language is Chinese. Our teacher asked her to write on the board the symbol for the word, crisis. She then explained to us that it consists of 2 characters, one meaning danger, and the other meaning opportunity. It was really neat! If you think about it, a crisis is often danger or a threat to us as individuals or as a family. BUT it is also an opportunity. An opportunity to learn and grow and become better, stronger people, or to let it consume us and make us bitter and unhappy.

We have all gone through times of stress. Each person's and family's experiences are different, but we all go through it. There are two different types of stressors that we discussed in class; normative and nonnormative. Examples of normative stressors would be events like birth of a child, buying a house, marriage, moving out. While these things cause stress, they are expected. Nonnormative stressors are things such as dying young, divorce, abuse, illnesses. These things are not normally expected, and come as a surprise to us. I feel that nonnormative stressors often are more straining on the family. However, like I stated earlier, we have the opportunity and choice as to how we will react and go about the crisis.

If we are not careful, when these stressors come around, we could hurt our family systems and the unity that a family may have. Each action we make has an accompanied consequence. If we can remember to be kind and empathetic, communicate well, sensitive to others feelings and be compassionate, we can help keep clear and loving boundaries that help to strengthen and pull together our family. No time such as these, is easy.

I have come to understand and realize that these times of trial and heartache are for our good. It is an opportunity to become better, and develop more Christlike attributes. I know that there is a wise purpose in all that we must experience in this life. But ultimately we have the choice to make it a positive experience. We are loved. With our families, we can unite in a common love to help and strengthen one another and have the faith that God will take care of us as we do our part.

Fidelity

Marriage is not a contract meant to be broken at the first sign of trouble. Nor should an individual do things to provoke conflict. Marriage is between a man and a wife, and God. They share an intimate relationship. They mean the world to each other. That relationship, is the most important and precious relationship that exists in the lives of the both.

Complete fidelity in a marriage is key to it being a success, and raising a happy family. According to Webster's Dictionary, fidelity is the quality of being faithful to one's spouse. In my class textbook it defines the different ways in which we can be unfaithful. There is physical infidelity, romantic, technology, visual and fantasy. Often times we tend to think that the only type of infidelity is the physical, or rather sexual relations with another individual. However, this is not true. For example, co workers that spend a lot of time together may begin to feel comfortable around each other. But that may then lead to sharing feelings and things that are close to the heart. Intimate things. Such  things are to be shared with your spouse, not just any person that you work with. We must be courteous at all times, but remember that those things that are close to your heart should be shared with your significant other.

This may bring up the concern of good friends. Your spouse, I believe, should be your best friend. All other relationships are second in line. It may be easy, or tempting to confide in someone outside of the marriage, but this is in no way helpful. Things that go on between a husband and wife and their family life, should be kept within those bounds. If we can remember to talk about our concerns with our spouse, we will be able to resolve issues much more quickly.  There is no reason to trash talk your significant other when something upsets you. Remember, you fell in love with them and decided to marry them for some positive, happy reason.

Infidelity hurts families. Not only the couple, which is primarily affected, but also posterity. I feel that if we can remember to keep the marriage relationship intimate, just between the two, the relationship will be much more successful. We choose our companion, so stick to them, cleave unto them, in every meaning of the word. Communication is essential! Be faithful!

Transitions in Marriage

Marriage is something that many look forward to. It is a common goal. To find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, settle down, start a family and enjoy life. But, as I have learned this last week and my eyes have been opened, there is more than just those happy an exciting moments. I feel that as youth and young adults we often only imagine and believe that with marriage everything will be butterflies and rainbows....all of the time. This belief is quite unrealistic.

As we go through the adventure of life, we are faced with many challenges, and with each new phase of life, comes new responsibilities. The same is true with marriage. You take two people from very different backgrounds and life experiences and conflicts are going to arise. They have to make decisions together, they have to rely on one another and grow together. They will not always see eye to eye on everything. You add on family traditions and customs, finances, goals and children and things can get hectic. I am not trying to scare you away from making the commitment of marriage, rather I am trying to inform and help you see the future from a more realistic lens.

Couples report high marital satisfaction at the beginning of the union. But, studies show that there is a decrease in satisfaction as the first, and second, and third babies are born. (And so on) Can you guess why? Well, you go from having attention fully on just the two of you, and then a little baby is thrown in the picture. This means all attention on the baby and his needs. Budgets get tighter as there is another mouth to feed. Stress is higher, and couples often feel that they cannot express those things to their spouse because they too have a lot on their plate.  Less sleep adds to more tension. There is less, just "you and me" time which means less bonding. Starting a family changes a lot. However, I know that children are a joy. They are a little piece of heaven. These things are for you to be aware of so that you can prepare. To expect the unexpected.

Let's prepare ourselves for these very important decisions so that we can raise successful families that will positively add to society.

Preparing for Marriage

Have you ever just wanted or imagined that maybe "the one" just might get dropped off on your doorstep one, and BAM! you have a spouse. Marriage is a serious and exciting step in one's life.  However I believe that we have a few misconceptions on how the relationship between a man and woman requires development and progress as a couple beforehand. We have to meet people, put ourselves out there, and be wise in the decisions that we make as we find our spouse. You might hear this called "dating", or an even older term "courting". That is the process and journey that we go through as we get to know others on a more personal level, with the ultimate goal of marrying.

In my class we discussed how in our modern day there is more just hanging out in groups, rather than dating. This is taking away the important step of getting to know another person. Often times we desire to get off easy with a date such as a movie. I am not saying that moving watching is prohibited, however, is it the best way to get to know someone. There are three requirements to a date. Planned, paired off and paid for. Planned suggested that there is a schedule of sorts for the time set aside and spent together. Women prefer to know, or be informed, beforehand, of what to expect during the date. This will allow her to dress appropriately for the date. Paired off means that there is a boy that is expected to spend the evening with a girl. The two are responsible for the other during the extent of the date. They are to take care of the other and make sure that they are enjoying their time, with the attention focused specifically on the other. Paid for suggests that costs and resources for the date are taken care of and provided for.

As we make these three requirements part of dates, we will be able to learn more about the other individual and the relationship will grow. Several dates are preferable in getting to know someone. A strong relationship requires more than what the world has taught u is sufficient; appearance. In a marriage there is a need for deep bonds, trust, sacrifice, care, intimacy, communication, friendship, love and so much more. These things do not come overnight, but with time. Just as one looks for someone, we ourselves need to be progressing as individuals and acquiring characteristics that will positively contribute to a marriage.

I recently spoke to my father and he shared some thoughts of his already seven married children. HE said, "Each of them are happy and successful. They were individuals that prepared themselves for marriage and were then able to find a wonderful spouse. They are happy." I believe that is the desire of every parent, that they can see that their children find someone that they are genuinely happy with. Speaking of what I have been told, and experiences of others, marriage is a wonderful thing. After all it was designed by God.  Let us each prepare ourselves for this important decision, and be courageous in the dating process.

Same Sex Attraction

As a young girl, I often heard stories of the child-hood of my parents and their fun, youthful adventures. The things that they would do are a little bit different than what we do today. But, I loved listening to stories, and even the stories my grandparents would share with their perspective of what happened with the same stories.....it's funny how things can be twisted depending on who is speaking. With story telling, came comparing the two time periods. I can remember thinking to myself at times, "Just forget already, times change, things are different now." That lovely teenager of me. But at other times I remember pondering on the differences and the drastic changes that have taken place, and wondering, "how did that happen so fast?" One of those topics was of same sex attraction and marriage as it became acceptable in our society. When my parents were teenagers, this topic was almost unspeakable. It was shameful to be attracted to your same gender, and quite frankly, looked down upon. That is quite the contrast from what we face today.

I strongly believe that God, our loving Heavenly Father designed marriage to be between a man and a woman. In the world today, we see many circumstances of same sex attraction. In my class this week we discussed this topic with videos and articles. One topic that intrigued me was of receiving help to take steps in a healing process, to change and better understand why one feels attracted to his or her own gender. In the video that we saw, men expressed that they were able to receive that help, and are now attracted to women. When they were first feeling those same gender attractions, they didn't understand. They said that they we not born "gay". I find it incredible that there are resources for help and aid, if one so desires. We can indeed change our desires. Studies show that helping to improve and strengthen relationships in one's life, is a huge step in process. I know that God has ordained the family to built and founded with a mother and a father present. As we loose this, and stray from it, we are loosing the family.

Other studies have shown that possible contributing factors to same sex attraction are wounded gender identity, bullying, father hunger, mother confusion, inappropriate touch and pornography.
Each of us is a beloved son or daughter of Heavenly Father. We have infinite worth in his eyes. And he loves each of us. Men and women with same gender attraction are no less than heterosexuals. We must remember that they are children of God. Be sensitive to them and do not belittle.

I know that God has a plan for us. I know that he loves us, and understands our needs, after all we are His children.

This last week in class, we learned about and discussed the topic of culture. Culture varies in every part of the world, and even within the same given country. Normally when I think of culture things such as Asia or Polynesia come to my mind. Places where there are maybe more obvious sides to that specific culture. However, each country, race, gender, and family has his or her own culture. Your family has a culture! Think about it. It may be in the traditions that you share, or in the way you treat others and the values that you have. These things are passed down generation to generation, and as we continue learning and growing, the culture evolves. It is incredible!

Often times we associate a certain culture with socioeconomic status as well. On the amount of money that one has, the image and behaviors that they carry, the way that they speak, education and even the location in which they live. I feel that more often than not, we form these labels mentally and we struggle to get over the fact that we are all children of God. We differentiate ourselves. Culture will always be a part of life. We cannot get rid of it. However, we can change it for the better. We can all evaluate ourselves, maybe even our families, and begin there. Are we passing on good values and culture onto to our posterity so that they have blessed lives? We choose what we pass on.

I hope that we can reflect on the differences in culture that we see around us, but that we can also find joy in those differences. We all have divine potential. We choose who we become, and what we will pass on for future generations.

This last week as been quite interesting. I have learned more about what is called systems theory. A system includes various part, for example in a family you have a mother, father, children, grandparents, aunts, uncles and so forth. Each individual plays and important and significant role. To analyze the family system, it must be observed as a whole, rather than just by its individual parts. Each member effects the others.Within a certain system there may exist what is called subsystems. This may be a mother and a daughter who work together o maintain the system of the family which includes a father who is not supportive. Each one of us are par of a system, whether it be the family, or a class in school, at work, or in church. We all are part of a system and we effect one another.

The exchange theory is often thought of as "you owe me one." We want to give less than we receive in a relationship. Or we always expect something of equal or greater value in return. For example, if I offer a ride to a roommate to the grocery store one week, I might expect that she takes me the following week, in order to pay me back for what I gave her in the first place.

The symbolic interaction theory states that for every action, or experience there is a symbolic meaning behind it that normally stems from both parties past experiences. For example, if I enter my roommate's bedroom and sit by her side, for me that might mean that I want to talk and share something with her. However she might be annoyed and not receive it in the way that I hope she does. I feel that our lives and relationships are full of symbolic interactions. As I have gone through my week, I have observed more of this theory. It's kind of fun!

The conflict theory states that in any system or relationship, each party has differences, or rather their likes and dislikes are different, their preferences and opinions are all unique. This results in the both parties influencing each other, and conflict may arise.

This week has helped me to see the different ways in week we act and influence each other. It has helped me to understand different aspects of relationships, whether they be within the family, with a friend, co-worker or neighbor. Learning is fun! Especially as I am able to see it and apply it in my life.

Has any one else been under the impression that we were one day going to be over populated? Well I was, that’s for sure. And to be honest my eyes have been opened this week. We have been discussing and viewing professional studies on demographics around the world. Around the time of the baby boomers, the generation born just after World War II, predictions were made that the world was going to over populate and that we would eventually come to the point of not having enough resources to take care of that many people. Well we learned a few things. So when we talk about birth rate that refers to the number of births per thousand people in a population in a year. When I talk about fertility rate, that refers to the average number of children born over the lifetime of the average woman. While yes, there was an increase in the birth rate during the baby boom, there was as well advancements in the medical field to keep the elderly alive longer. As time went on, the world and its views changed. Dramatically. And especially on the family. The standard of the “traditional family” diminished. Ultimately the fertility rate decreased and is continuing to decrease. Right now, the baby boomers are the elderly people. And there are fewer young people to care and work for in order to provide for the elderly. If the fertility rate stays above, 2.13 the population is replaced. However, if it goes below 2.13, population decreases. The United States is currently the only country still above, and just barely, 2.13 as the replacement rate. The value and importance of the family has drastically changed. Many think that just having one child is too much. Or that it is too much of a hassle. I personally come from a rather large family. I am one of eleven. I am not telling you that each person needs to have 12 children. But, I do believe and know that the family is the most important unit of society. Bringing to this earth, more children is part of the eternal plan, of God the Father. We have a responsibility to nuture and raise children. A spiritual privilege, calling, responsibility and blessing. Having children is vital. And as it is a personal and marital decision, I invite all to ponder on the importance of family, and what that means to you. What happiness has your family brought you? Or what changes can you make so that your posterity has a brighter future? I know that the family is ordained of God. I know it. And I love my family!

More Insights!

Here are other classmates' blogs. Feel free to check those out as well and learn more!

trentwinn.blogspot.com

rebeccarosecarter.blogspot.com

elephantsfavoritefood.blogspot.com    

insighttothefamily.blogspot.com

nathanblumenberg.blogspot.com

firmfamilies.blogspot.com

ravenhands.wordpress.com

soglaohana.blogspot.com

marissalanaeparks.blogspot.com

ytszkiu.blogspot.com

mmariaht.blogspot.com

cmblakely.blogspot.com/

Sammie19blog.weebly.com

https://sydneypiper.wordpress.com/

https://lifestooshorttomatchyoursocks.wordpress.com/

https://thoughtsofachilddevelopmentmajor.blogspot.com/

http://ashley12judy.blogspot.com/

http://whatgodhathjoinedtogether.blogspot.com/

http://fromthehearttohome.blogspot.com/

http://familymatters.blogspot.com

marsbrasga.blogspot.com

https://jordannewalker.wordpress.com/

cayleybarton.blogspot.com

www.3N513.Weebly.com

kiamd.blogspot.com

http://theohanastudies.blogspot.com/

http://karenxlozano.blogspot.com

http://momentscreatememories.blogspot.com

http://kahangturangpamilya.blogspot.com

http://mirandamortensen.blogspot.com

www.nonoblerwork.wordpress.com

https://ktbzn.wordpress.com/

http://familyistheanchor.blogspot.com/

laceyturpin.wordpress.com

melissalovesfamily.blogspot.com

happinessthroughfamilies.blogspot.com

mccallsreasons.blogspot.com

www.raquelvillafuerte.wordpress.com

mmariaht.blogspot.com

rebeccarosecarter.blogspot.com

http://familylearnin.blogspot.com

theboatyblog.blogspot.com

ethansfamily2015.blogspot.com

keytoeternalhappiness.wordpress.com

loooveathome.wordpress.com

devreeslife.blogspot.com

About Me

I am Kaylee Kellogg from California. I am currently a student at Brigham Young University - Idaho. I am majoring in Marriage and Family Studies. This blog is for one of my classes and I will be posting and sharing insights and personal applications of the material in the class. I look forward to being able to share the things that I am learning and to be able to make it more personal in my life.
I love my family! I am the tenth child of eleven. We love each other and work together to help each other often. It is a joy to be with them.